Whether it’s boring or annoying stories on the news, terrible shows on TV, a frustrating lack of development in your work or a sinking sense of boredom at the inadequacy of life, some weeks simply disappoint. If you have my mentality, however, all weeks disappoint and thankfully this week was like every other.
The news was boring me and the anticipated ’10 O’Clock Live’ did nothing but prove that if you put a group of comedians together they’re not funny. Mitchell was average, Jimmy Carr was slightly better but definitely not on form and Charlie Brooker was the surprising highlight. That woman, however, put a dampener on things. She was a less attractive Fearne Cotton with nothing funny or remotely interesting to say and thank god she was sidelined. If she’d had a larger role to play in the show I think I might have topped myself after the first adverts.
An Arsenal win always lightens my mood. Particularly when at the game and able to experience the full force of the Leeds fans, when they scored the stadium actually vibrated. However having to avoid 16 year old chavs looking for a fight managed to dampen the mood just slightly. And as an Arsenal fan, anything bad that happens to Harry Redknapp is always a bonus. So, as I began thinking about what to write this week, the news that he’d been mugged in Spain put that much sought after genuine smile on my face. It proves that the man is not just hated by their North London rival and that the Spanish aren’t as idiotic as I thought. They targeted a weak, hollow man and got away with his credit cards and all his money. There is a God.
Yet in life, nothing can keep me happy for longer than about 10 / 15 minutes, and the BBC website – the bane of my life – is a useful source for helping me wallow in self pity and misery at the inadequacy of humans. Aged 23, Carolin Berger died after an operation went wrong. On the surface, this is nothing short of genuinely sad, but read a bit further on and idiocy ensues.
With 34F boobs, this woman wasn’t happy enough. She wanted them so big that she’d actually keel over if she stood up. She wanted them big enough that they’d warrant a second seat on public transport. She even wanted them big enough for the 48kg woman to die. Described as a ‘sex film celebrity’ on the BBC, it turns out she’s a porn star – typing her name into google is probably best done without the parents around.
The orange faced buffoon was under the knife for a sixth time on her boobs when complications caused her to be put into an artificial coma on 11th January the police have since began investigating her doctors for negligence. Too right they should be investigated. Didn’t any of them think that after 5 operations on her boobs she needed a psychologist – not another operation. She, quite sadly, must have had such a low self esteem and body image that she thought the only thing that could make her more attractive was having over inflated balloons on her chest. It’s pretty ironic, though, that in being dead, she probably looks better than the odd faced tangoed girl whom we saw when alive.
How any doctor could have let a 48kg woman add an extra 800g to her slight figure is beyond me. Actually, how none of her friends of family didn’t turn to her and say, “hey, after 5 operations: CAN YOU STOP MESSING WITH YOUR BOOBS, IT WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU”, I’ll never know. The ethics of these doctors is called into question – it’s as if, by paying the right price, you can get a plastic surgeon to do pretty much anything to you. I’ve been saving to get my leg attached to my face and to have silicone implants into big toe. Doctors, I used to think, were there to make you feel better not to put 800g of silicone into you before inducing a coma and pretty much putting a patient down.
I’m not going to argue that she didn’t deserve it or that it’s a sad loss, in fact I’ll argue that it’s good she died – hopefully it will show all of the narcissistic women out there that going under the knife doesn’t make you look more attractive at all. In fact, I don’t think I could find any men that would find a dead person more attractive than a live one.